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Saturday, August 20th, 2005
1:31 pm - YARR!

We all know what happens on 19 September.

My new cow-irkers, however, did not. Until yesterday. They know now, oh yes indeed. They didn't believe me until I pulled up the site.

Moo-ha-ha, ekcetra.

current mood: piratical

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Thursday, May 12th, 2005
12:23 pm - Here's one place I won't go in Tulsa

We haven't had a posting about stupid people to go off on, Davan-style, in a while -- so check out this. Thanks to cloudeagle for finding that (he has some comments on that in his LJ too).

current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
2:36 pm

new kid. *waves*

I'm entirely too familiar with S*P. I don't think I qualify as a fangirl(although my pussy does get all warm and hummy at the idea of an Asian girl grinding a bottle into somebody's face), but I did feel the need to relate this little story.

I have a dear, dear friend, Carl, who unfortunately doesn't always appreciate the sensitivity and generosity that underlies each obnoxious, sadistic episode of my favorite comic. He recently mentioned to me that he happened to meet Randy at a con he attended, and I said, "Bastard! You didn't tell me!" He said, "It slipped my mind.. besides, he was a total asshole. You'd have hated him." Shock! Surprise! Randy Milholland writes an asshole comic but he's an asshole himself?! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Anyway, I'm simply delighted there's a community that actually pays attention to the comic. I stumbled on heart_davan first, and after a post or two, I had to double-check that it was an S*P community and not, say, pag_ibig. *wince*

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Saturday, January 15th, 2005
12:25 pm - Verily, this "community" seemeth dead to me.

Where art thou, oh noble posters?

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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
7:44 pm - just a little pissiness

who in the fuck names theit rating community "lushes with guns"? how fucking stupid can you be...
It'd be different if it was like, say, rating alcohol/drunken themed pictures, then it'd be at least amusing. but it's not. because they're oh so cool, it's an attractiveness rating community.
can you imagine how disapointed Aubrey and Peejee would be when they found out the community wasn't rating their capabilities as a drunkard...
jesus fucking christ.

current mood: bitchy

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5:16 pm - Who the fuck are these IT guys....

I'll be the first one to admit I'm not the most skilled techie in the world, but I'm far from inept when it comes to the subject. I know what I can do and I know what I can't.

So today our PR guy comes in (having a minor stroke) saying that our donations page is broken. (And considering I work for a charity, well, yeah. That's important.)

So I spend an hour and a half on the phone with a coworker and a web host who handles some parts of our web page management. Well, we fix it, but it makes no since considering what caused the problem initially.

Well, once we fix the problem I set about to figure out 'how' it happened.

So this web company has a browser interface that select individiuals can log into and use to 'edit' pages. (Mostly just add information and update headlines) as necessary. Easy.

Only catch:

They only take updates from the web. Not the server. So if Me or a coworker update information on the server (which, I might add is sitting in the room, oh, 20' behind me) they ignore the update. So as soon as their copy is updated, and re-loaded into the server, any changes we make are nuked.

... EXCUSE ME???

Yeah, I want any important changes I deliver to our public web server to get nuked simply because the web interface for updating doesn't want to pay attention. fuck that.

Monday: Team meeting after the holidays, and then they get bitched out. *grins*

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
10:36 am - Currently Insane

I hate bartending. Not really, but tonight made me angry.

THIS IS FUCKING LONG, part 1Collapse )

THIS IS FUCKING LONG, part 2Collapse )

THIS IS FUCKING LONG, part 3Collapse )

current mood: bitchy

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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
5:31 pm - Oh Kim, where art thou?


current mood: amused

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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
12:23 am - On the subject of Medical Myths...

I'm glad to say that I've seen one proved wrong.

See, a friend of mine was told the following myth, which she passed on to me: If someone is overweight during their teen years (generally from the age of 12 to 16) their erect penis length will be one inch shorter than it normally would have been for every 20 lbs overweight they are. For example: if someone's ideal weight was 140 lbs, and he weighed 180 lbs, then if he was supposed to have a penis that was 6 inches, it'd turn out to be 4 inches instead.

Now, ignoring for a fact the complete medical problems of this kind of logic, let's look at the realistic ones behind it. According to this, anybody who's 120 lbs overweight (assuming the average penis size is 6") should have a smooth, flat surface unless he'd orginally have been blessed with attributes fit to impress a horse. The vast majority of America today is overweight, and it's not that far out there to assume that there are a few people who manage to make that 100-120 lbs overweight mark.

So, we're assuming that if you're too fat, your dick disappears. Right.

Now, further making this claim ridiculous is the fact that this myth actually comes with a chart, which gives a one column list based on height. For example, if you're 6 feet tall, you should weigh roughly 140 lbs. This chart entirely ignores muscle mass (which can vary drastically from person to person), shoulder breadth (which can have a considerable effect on muscle mass), and other things.

So now we're assuming that if you're too fat or too muscular, your dick disappears.

Now, my friend actually believed all this nonsense, and has for the better part of a year. She was of the opinion that if it was written down, it must be true, and no matter what I said or showed her (via porn), it was still held to be true. She'd been believing this for over a year.

Then, last night, in a fit of drunken revelry, it was decided that every male in the party should line up for a dick measuring contest. I excused myself from the proceedings (frankly, the idea of standing around with my dick out for the amusement of OTHERS without amusing MYSELF at the same time didn't appeal), and my friend saw first hand proof that the chart was totally wrong in our dear old friend Steve.

Steve weighed 260 lbs in highschool, and has been heavily overweight his entire life. He still does weigh in around that area, come to think of it. However, assuming this myth is correct, Steve's penis should be 17 inches long... which is medically impossible without the benefit of extensive surgery or a nuclear power plant next to one's home.

I was quite happy to say "I told you so."

Even if she's now interested in dating Steve. *rolls eyes*

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Thursday, October 14th, 2004
9:25 am - Update on Scratch kicking the doggy's ass

I've offered the dumbass with the dog a deal. I got the date we're to be in Small Claims court (November sometime) where we will present our cases. I offered him a deal, though, so that we'd not have to show up. I'd not point at him and laugh when he lost the case, if he dropped the case, so he wouldn't have to experience the mental anguish of having a judge call him a dumbass while I laughed.

He didn't take my offer. Ah well.

If it comes to actually showing up, I'm going to restrict myself largely to saying the dog attacked first, and unlike him I'm not required, by law, to leash and control my animal... and then trying to scientifically prove that he's the missing link between man and ape. I'm fairly certain that between his double-digit IQ, his braidable back hair, and his knuckles calloused from dragging on the floor, I can make this claim evident.

current mood: jubilant

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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
5:31 am - Fucking Dog Owners

I'm currently being sued by some guy because his dog is too aggressive and it learned not to tangle with the king of the suburban jungle: the tabby. Specifically, my mackerel tabby, a thirteen year old; twenty pound ball of fur, muscle, and claws named, appropriately enough, Scratch.

I have a habit of taking late night walks. Not the brightest idea, given my neighbourhood, but I don't generally have any problems since I'm intelligent enough not to wander down any dark alleys and I'm a big enough guy that the local thugs like to pick on easier prey than me. Scratch makes a habit of trailing me, which is somewhat disconcerting sometimes since he blends so well with the darkness and can appear out of nowhere.

So, night before last I go for a late night walk, intending to pick up an Iced Cappucino at Tim Horton's. Scratch appears out of nowhere after about half a block and merrily trots alongside me, occasionally disappearing into the brush to scare the living shit out of some nocturnal animal or another.

A guy with a roitweiler comes from the other direction, the stupid creature's tongue hanging out it's mouth and drool trailing from the corner of one lip. Same goes for the owner, come to think of it. Scratch is hanging around my heel as I walk. Now, as the dog passes on my left, he snaps at Scratch, Scratch having ignored the dumb beast as a non-threat. Scratch rears his head back, and as I look down I see it's close enough that Scratch, dumb but brave little bastard that he is, was missed so narrowly he could probably count the cavities in the dog's teeth.

As I'm opening my mouth to yell at the dog owner to get control of his animal, Scratch gets his own reply in first: raking his right paw right down the dog's nose, followed immediately by a left paw across the silly thing's right cheek. The dog rears back with a yelp, and pauses for a second as it looks at Scratch, confused that a twenty pound cat is standing up to a one hundred pound dog. I begin to chuckle at the sight.

But of course, Scratch isn't done yet. He's pissed off now. This is HIS neighbourhood and some upstart animal presumed to take a shot at him. He wants blood.

The dog, still confused, becomes even moreso as Scratch jumps, landing neatly on his head. His front paws wrapped around it's ears and claws digging in at it's jowls, while the back are balanced, for the briefest second, on his brow. His head darts forward and he sinks his teeth in on the scruff of the dog's neck, and then proceeds to start raking his claws down the dog's face. The dog lets out what can only be termed as a shriek, and proceeds to shake it's head back and forth as it tries to dislodge Scratch, who's having none of it. After about five seconds of continously raking his hind claws along the dog's face, Scratch lets go and sits, cool as you please, at my feet while the dog writhes on the ground, rubbing it's face in the grass of a lawn.

The owner, trying to calm his injured dog down, spies Scratch sitting at my feet, calmly grooming himself as he ignores his latest victim.

Now, I sorta know this guy. He knows my name, I know his. He lives in the same neighbourhood as me. He took his dog to an animal hospital, and it's lost vision in one of it's eyes. Presumably, Scratch got in a lucky hit before the dog closed it's eyes, because he got a claw right into the dog's pupil and slashed it good. The rest of the damage is mainly superficial, He's going to try to sue me based on the grounds that my animal injured his. I told him to go fuck himself. His dog attacked my cat and my cat retaliated. I'm not required, by law, to leash my animal... and it's allowed to defend itself, I should think.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be fine, but... holy shit. Yeah, it sucks your dog lost an eye, but how is this my fault? The asshole should learn to keep a better eye on his dog and keep better control of it. If it hadn't attacked Scratch, it'd still have it's depth perception, but tough shit... It made a decision, and now it lives with it.

current mood: amused

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Thursday, September 16th, 2004
11:55 am - None

This amuses me to no end. I don't know what's more impressive... That someone had the testicular fortitude to market the product as such, or that he still has his testicles now.

I bought my ex-girlfriend ten boxes, which are being mailed to her right now.

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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
2:11 am - Wingman down! Wingman down! Or Tales of The Stupid

Copied from elsewhere where it was copied from elsewhere...

Man Drives Home with Headless Friend

Mon Aug 30,11:46 AM ET Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!

ATLANTA (Reuters) - A Georgia man who drove home with a friend's headless body after a truck accident then went to bed while the remains dangled out the window faces charges including vehicular homicide and drunk driving, police said on Monday.

John Hutcherson, covered in blood and visibly inebriated, was arrested in bed on Sunday morning after a local resident out on a stroll observed a headless, bloody body hanging out of the 21-year-old man's truck, Cobb County police said.

Hutcherson was due to make an initial court appearance on Monday.

Police said that Hutcherson and his friend, identified as Francis Brohm, 23, were returning from a bar outside Atlanta early Sunday morning when their black 1992 Chevrolet Z-71 pickup hit a curb near a telephone pole.

Brohm, partially outside the window at the time, was decapitated by a guide wire on the telephone pole, according to police, who recovered his head at the crash site. "Alcohol is believed to be a contributing factor," police said.

current mood: accomplished

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
12:11 pm - Finally, something to post


From time to time I feel like I'm living in an SP strip (and that's not always a good feeling), and I've been wanting to post whenever I've had a "Davan moment."

Well, this comes close, as my girlfriend Wendy, the_dark_snack , had a "PeeJee moment" at GenCon:

As you might know, the con was held in the Indiana Convention Center, which is connected to the RCA Dome, home of the Indianapolis Colts, who played a preseason game with the Jets (and lost) the Saturday of the con.

After the Cthulhu for President rally Saturday night, Wendy (in her Miskatonic U. cheerleader skirt she made) came across this family walking down one of the main halls, exiting the game by going through the convention center. The mother looked down to her preschool daughter and asked, "Now honey, what did we say these people are?"

"Godless heathens," the child dutifully replied.

"And where will they go?" mother asked.

"Straight to Hell," the child answered.

Hearing this, Wendy turned around, crouched to look the tyke in the eye and said, "And if you like, we can take you with us!"

Then she just walked on, leaving the family to mull over her offer. =) 

current mood: devious

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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
2:41 pm - *This* looks like a job for...

Redneck Tree!


current mood: amused

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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
12:31 am - Is this thing on?

So looking back to JUNE I see posts by Sam, pg and me. And not a lot of comments on anything either.

Compared to the other two SP communities this one seems pretty dead. Or is that normal for LJ thing?


current mood: curious

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1:45 am - On the topic of cheating in a relationship...

What would YOU do if your S/O cheated on you?

Dump 'em and forget 'em?
Take revenge on 'em?
Cry in a corner?
Forgive 'em?

Do your worst!

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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
3:44 am - Yesterday I got to cause $4,000 worth of damage to a sports car.

Specificially, the car is the new Mazda, which is something like a $50,000 car. And the best part is the guy won't dare prosecute me. In fact he can't, now that the moment has passed.

So, I'm in a wierd, L-shaped parking lot. Here's a diagram since it's easier:

Side A

The Xs represent the building. Now, On Side A, there's a walkway which is maybe three meters wide, and it curves around a touch on Side B. Now, on the corner of Side A and Side B, the walkway has a sorta ramp, so people often drive over this, since only one and a half cars can drive around the corner.

So, I'd done my shopping in this strip mall, and all the stores are along Side A, so Side B is just sorta a side alley. I walk around the corner to Side B, since I need to go across from Side B and there's a van turning the corner. I take two steps around, and a guy comes around the corner, over the ramp, doing 35 km/h. He screeches to a stop when he sees me, but it's too late. I've thrown my bag up in a reaction to this big fucking car coming at me, and the LCBO bag with the glass bottle of Vodka flies up and lands on his windshield, completely shattering it, while the top of the bottle cracks off cleanly, spraying the driver and his leather interior with both Vodka and glass.

The driver, a big motherfucker who probably weighed in the realm of 300 lbs, gets out and screams "What the fuck!? Look at my fucking car!!"

Now, I'm not having the greatest day. I'm going to a party, I'd spent the last cash I had on hand on some clothes I had in another bag, so I'd have to go home and come back for the Vodka. Plus, this reckless asshole nearly ran me down because he was too impatient to wait twenty seconds to go around the corner.

"Fuck you, asshole! You nearly ran me down, you stupid motherfucker! This is a parking lot! The speed limit is ten, and pedestrians have the right of way!"

He doesn't look impressed with me for this. "Who's going to pay for this!?"

Me: "You are, you stupid motherfucker!"

Him: "I'm not fucking paying! You're going to pay for this, right fucking now!"

Me: "Fucking make me!"

So, he comes over and grabs me by the cuff of my shirt, and bends me over the hood of his car, and starts screaming at me. Funny thing is, the silly shit left my knee right between his legs. I bring it up hard, and he loses his grip on me and slumps on me. I roll him off and get up.

Me: "Good job, asshole! Next time you wanna bully someone, do it right! Look, you wanna involve the cops? Go right ahead! You'll get charged with reckless driving, not to mention assault!"

Him: "Fuck you."

I just walked away, and he didn't bother chasing me, either on foot or in his car. He couldn't even speed away like he might have wanted to, since his windshield was gone. Somehow, despite the fact I had to make an extra trip for the Vodka, I was a very happy camper.

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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
12:40 am - Near Davan Moment

So I had an urge to indulge in a moment of Davancy.

The setting: I work 3rd shift (10PM to 6AM) as a hotel Night Auditor. Lady in one of the rooms is letting her 3 kids run around, unsupervised downstairs. This around 10:30 to 11 PM.

I was soooooo tempted to call up her room and tell that some strange guy just left with her kids. Ask if someone was supposed to be picking them up.

Damn my need to stay employed.

current mood: aggravated

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Sunday, July 18th, 2004
1:22 am - Crossposted in my LJ, thequestionclub, and Skull_Davan

From Doji's e-mail to Red Mage (http://www.nuklearpower.com/redmage43.php)

"3) Cultural Analyzation Question: What is it with American teenagers being such Japan-o-philes? To define that word, think of someone who just loves Japan TOO much. You've heard of them, you've seen them...A large majority of you reading this ARE them. To finish; STAY OUT!! Love Thailand instead; they have stuff too."

Why whould so many people seem to love Japan?

Read more...Collapse )

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